I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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