So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
