You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
