Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize