Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
