wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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