If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
