Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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