dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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