I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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