How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
