FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
