i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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