I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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