Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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