I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
