She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
