I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
