You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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