We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
