My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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