It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
