whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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