Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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