I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
