After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize