Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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