Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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