please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
