____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I supernannyed him into submission
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
