Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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