If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
