Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
