I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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