connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
