Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
