note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
