I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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