There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
