At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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