I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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