you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
