: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
