The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
