I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
