My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
