If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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