I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
