My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
