The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
