He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
