Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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