Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
