You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
