Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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