So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
