I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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