Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
