so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
