Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
smell my finger.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
