I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
