Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
