Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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