I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
